


love is a far cry from forgiveness

by anandrew



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, demus - Freeform, dukeceit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26683453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anandrew/pseuds/anandrew
Summary: a wholesome moment is interrupted by a stark reminder of why no one should be so quick in forgiving janus.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	love is a far cry from forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lezzylittle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lezzylittle/gifts).



Silence is a rare commodity on the dark side of the mindscape. Usually, at the very least, Remus could be heard fidgeting. Janus had become very accustomed to the sounds; cabinets closing, couch shifting, tv channels being flicked through at rapid paces, stairs being climbed, the rapping of knuckles on any available surface. These were all normal sounds of Remus’ default, hyperactive state. It was when silence invaded their home that Janus began to worry.

  
The scene was typical; Janus sat cross-legged on the couch, reading something he’s read a dozen times. Remus was doodling in one of his many journals. The television blared some odd documentary Janus had learned how to tune out in order to concentrate on his own hobbies by now. The scratch, scratch, scratch of Remus’ charcoal pencil on the paper was accompanied by the tap, tap, tapping of his booted foot dampened by the carpet. All was well. Then, Remus suddenly inhaled.

  
The sound was sharp, quiet, like an inverse hiccup. So brief, if anyone but Janus had heard it, they would’ve thought nothing of it, but it was Janus that heard it & so his attention diverted from the words he stared down on in order to focus entirely on the sudden lack of sound coming from the man next to him. Foot gone still, Janus didn’t have to look up from his book to know the position of Remus’ wrist was held exactly as it had been before the mental disturbance. The Duke, for all intents & purposes, had paused. Even his shallow breathing could not be heard anymore.

“Deedee,” Remus started like a question, with a nickname he hasn’t used in quite some time, which was more than enough confirmation for Janus but still, he refused to react.

“Yeah, Moosey,” He offered conversationally, calmly.

  
“This is … real, right?” Janus’ heart sank in a pool of rotten guilt, laced with painful sympathy. Though he knew exactly where this had all been heading, hearing the breathless words hurt as though this was the first time Remus had doubted his reality.

  
It started a few years ago now, when Remus had returned from his extended stay in the Imagination. At the time, Janus had been grateful in his misinterpretation of Remus’ eagerness to move on from the fight that had sent him running in the first place. Five years, Janus had thought then, matured the Duke & of course had done plenty good for him as well. It was a few months before Janus caught on to what was happening &, if he’s honest, he’s not quite sure Remus fully understands it for himself, to this day.

“Yes, this is quite real, Remus,” Janus reassured, tone pointedly flat, pointedly even, pointedly devoid of the panic one might feel if they, by chance, found themselves in something other than reality.

  
The air rushed out of Remus’ lungs but his shoulders stayed rigid, back stayed straight; hypervigilance. Janus hazarded a glance, mostly at Remus’ eyes which he found were glassy, unfocused, & seemingly giving way to a severe lack of thought behind them. Though Janus knew him quite better than that; if it looked as though Remus wasn’t thinking, he most likely was thinking far too much.

  
“Moosey,” Janus paused, his own gaze vague at Remus’ still legs. “Deep breath for me,” he requested as though he asked for a glass of water.

  
It was a good thing, most of the time & at least in instances like this, that Remus rather blindly did as Janus instructed. Of course that never meant that Janus controlled Remus, but more simply Remus wholly understood that, if he did as Janus said, most everything would always turn out alright, even if he didn’t understand the whys or hows. So not more than a second passed between Janus’ request & the sound of Remus slowly &, more importantly, steadily refilling his lungs.

  
“Good,” Janus approved & from the corner of his eye, could see that Remus began to nod shallowly. “You’re alright, Moosey.”

  
“I’m alright,” He agreed quickly with another rushed exhale, & though the words were there, Janus already knew it wasn’t going to be that easy.

  
“Have you written down your day yet?” Janus asked after a few silent moments.

  
“Oh! No,” Remus blinked, voice finally regaining a touch of his usual enthusiasm as he realized he had stopped in the middle of a doodle. He flipped a few pages to the end of yesterday’s entry & paused again.

  
“You woke up at seven,” Remus inhaled sharply & nodded.

  
“Right!” He quickly jotted the sentence down as Janus continued.

  
“You subsequently came into my room, waking me up,” _Went into Janny’s room …_ “& asked if I knew what the water to bleach conversion ratio was.”

  
“For pancakes!” Remus cheered, the memories of their morning beginning to rise through the mental fog.

  
“For pancakes,” Janus nodded & Remus quickly amended that part of the entry with how well his bleach pancakes had turned out; which was not well at all, but he chalked it up to a lack of vanilla extract.

  
“Then we, uh,” Remus paused, eyes distancing themselves from reality again & Janus waited patiently. “What did we do again…?” His tone had become uncertain & full of air as it had before, which meant very obviously to Janus that the fear of reality not being real was creeping back in.

  
Promptly, he closed his book & turned to face Remus, which elicited the Duke to look up, though Janus is sure he’s looking right through him rather than at him.

  
“You ate your pancakes,” Janus’ voice was soft, amicable, “While I showered, & when I came back into the living room,” He reached up to affectionately place a hand on Remus’ cheek; a gesture that, from the outside, seemed driven entirely by adoration however as usual, Janus had an ulterior motive. Quite an innocent & well-intended one that began to work once a gloved finger caressed the Duke’s cheekbone.

  
“I told you about the awesome octopus fact Logan texted me about!” Remus chimed in, eyes lighting up again & focusing on Janus’ face finally; which smiled at him so kindly, Remus thought his heart would burst like a squeezed Canary.

  
“Precisely,” Janus nodded & gestured open palmed, fingers splayed to the journal once more.

  
Remus eagerly went to writing in almost painstaking detail the tidbit Logan had texted him this morning which had led him down a massive research hole. Janus had marveled at how quickly Remus absorbed the information he had read in just the span of his thirty minute shower, as though he had memorized the entire Wikipedia page just by glancing at it.

  
Janus retracted his hand at the same time & placed it on his crossed knee as he watched Remus’ handwriting carefully, reading along with each detail (though he has to admit to skimming at times). It was reassuring that, when the octopus recount came to an end, Remus only briefly paused before launching into outlining the rest of their morning.

  
All was well then; after a few more minutes, Remus’ entry had caught up to their current activity & he contentedly flipped back to the doodle he had been working on when the interruption occurred. By then Janus had opened his book but had yet to let his eyes resume reading, not until he was sure Remus was absorbed in the activity again. All was well, & Janus had just inhaled, ready to sigh the tension away when Remus whispered.

  
“Thanks, Janny.”

  
“Of course,” Janus’ voice came out in a rush that almost sounded like that sigh, but it was devoid of relief.

  
He couldn’t say anything but ‘of course;’ this wasn’t something Remus should thank him for & not something Janus should feel proud of doing. This was necessary, this was his debt, because it was his fault Remus’ mind was frayed to begin with. This was the very least he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> i might do a chapter two to this. there's potential.


End file.
